Why I Write About Kids So Much When this Blog is About Saving My Marriage

So I’ve begun to think that one of the reasons we’re having such a hard time with marriage these days is because we put so much of our time and energy into our kids.  And now that children have moved from the periphery of the family to the center, there’s not a whole lot of time and energy left over for our relationships.

And I don’t know about you, but when I’m overextended and exhausted, the last thing I feel like doing is cuddling up to my honey bunny. What I want most is some alone time.  A few seconds of peace and quiet, with nobody asking me for anything.

On the days when things are going well with the kids, I look forward to hanging out with Ken once the kids are asleep.  But if I’m fried…well, let’s just say it ain’t gonna happen, my friend.

This is why I don’t really write about sex in this blog.  Because I firmly believe that if things are going shitty with your kids or your spouse, you’re not going to want to hit the sheets–you’re going to want to hit the road.

And if you want to hit the road, you’ve got much bigger problems than Viagra’s going to fix.

But I digress.  The reason I’ve been focusing so much on our relationship with our kids lately is because if things are off-kilter with your kids, they’re probably going to be off-kilter in your marriage as well.  And vice, versa.  (For more on this, read David Code’s wonderful book To Raise  Happy Kids, Put Your Marriage First).

Which is why I’ve been focusing so much on the kid-part of the equation lately.  Because if your kid’s off yelling in a corner somewhere, it’s not looking so good for that quiet little chat with your spouse, now is it?

Pretty cute, huh? On the bright side, my kids are pretty tight when they’re not fighting.

It’s also my belief that if things are going smoothly in one part of the family, those good feelings will rub off on other family members as well.  Meaning that if things are going well with your spouse, it’ll positively impact your relationship with your children.

Basically, I see us as a big ‘ole family-style ecosystem.  We all affect each other way more than we think, with our kids being geniuses at picking up our true moods no matter what kinds of words are coming out of our mouths.  Which is why my kids start acting up when I’m freaking out.  And when Ken and I are fighting?  Oh, yeah.

So if we’re going to reboot our marriages, I think we’ve got to reboot our relationships with our kids as well.  Because the bottom line is that we’re all affecting each other way more than we realize.

At least that’s my belief.

What do you think?


2 Responses to Why I Write About Kids So Much When this Blog is About Saving My Marriage

  1. AL May 6, 2013 at 7:45 am #

    Agree with you totally. I am a dad of 2 young ones and I can relate to your piece (and just about all the pieces you have written on this blog). My kids are very perceptive of what we say/do/act, and can definitely pick up on our moods and fights.

    I feel that my relationship with my wife has taken a downward turn also since the arrival of our kids. Don’t get me wrong…. I love them (and that includes my wife) with all my heart. But things just ain’t the same anymore between the 2 of us. We are tired, grumpy, distant, un-affectionate, stressed….. Everything that I did not think we will be!!!

    There are things that she innately doesn’t like about my personality/character, but I recently told her that I don’t want to lie to her anymore… that I don’t want to say “I promise I’ll change”. The fact of the matter is, I do want to change and I am still trying to change, but everytime I don’t live up to her expectations, our relationship explodes! I feel that there is just no compromise anymore from either one of us. I really don’t know what to do anymore, if being honest to her is still going to get me no where…..

    Anyway, sorry for ranting on. Just want to let you know that I enjoyed reading your blog. If nothing else, it lets me know that others are going through the same struggle as we are. I know I’m a guy in this case, but I can still relate to everything you are saying.

    Thanks and good luck with your relationship too. You have beautiful kids and I wish you the best also.

    • tpajevic May 7, 2013 at 12:22 pm #

      Al, I’ve been thinking about what you said for the past day, and I think you hit some major pieces. First of all, I think Ken would agree with you and tell you that I’m constantly riding him as well. I’m pretty sure this comes up in plenty of the marriage books, too, this idea that we women are way too controlling and always want our spouses to change. Which is really, really unfair. I wonder if what it really comes down to, underneath all of this, is that we’re all just so overwhelmed with all these changes and how much there is to do (way more than can ever get done) and so we end up lashing out at the people we love most.
      It’s funny you mentioned your wife’s expectations, because Ken’s always telling me that my expectations are what’s getting me in trouble. That I expect too much, in too many situations. So maybe our expectations are inherently unreasonable–we think we can do it all, and then when we find out we can’t, we blame it on our spouse? I don’t know–just a thought. But you’ve been on my mind all day, and it makes me realize how unfair we women can be–especially to the men we love most!
      I’d actually love to have more men reading/commenting/helping us change these marital dynamics, and the last thing I want to do is exclude husbands from this blog, much less this conversation,so thank you for posting. And a giant thanks for being so honest with your challenges.
      Thinking about you guys and bunch and wishing you all the best!

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